What I really meant to say
by Midnight Rain
Summary: Hermione's thoughts after her and Draco break up, but what happens when she runs into him at a store four years later holding the hand of his two year old daughter? Songfic.
1. What I really meant to say

_What I Really Meant to Say  
  
****__ It took me by surprise  
When I saw you standing there  
  
Hermione looked around the great hall. It was the last two weeks of school and the 7th years were having a dance in honor of graduation. She sat alone in a corner all dressed up and nobody to share the evening with. She and Draco had broken up a week before when they got into an argument and that had been it. She told him she couldn't stand him anymore and he broke it off. Scanning the room again her eyes landed on a certain blond haired man. He was wearing pitch black robes, his hair was slicked back. He appeared calm and collected. But inside he was an ocean of emotions. Raging with the storm inside him. She stood quickly. Walking to the nearest group she didn't want to look as if there breakup affected her.  
  
****__Close enough to touch  
Breathing the same air  
  
She sighed every now and then she would sneak a glance at Draco, whom was standing in the corner talking to a group of Slytherins. She smiled at his closeness. The group she was with seemed to be drifting closer still. This was as close as she had been in days. Okay, so they passed in the halls but she never got to stare at him and admire his perfect image like she was now. Everything about him tonight made her wish he was still hers. And she wished with all her heart that when she saw him flirting she could just go over there and stand between the girl and him. But as she painfully reminded her self every time she got this feeling. He was no longer hers. She smiled and looked down not even listening to the people around her, whom she secretly wished would all disappear and leave only her and him.  
  
****__You asked me how I'd been  
 I guess that's when I smiled and said Just Fine  
Oh, but baby I was lying  
  
Draco stood walking up to Hermione. Smiling he asked "So how you been doing lately?"  
  
Hermione looked into his beautiful gray eyes, which were the color of storm clouds that would stay for weeks and never leak a drop of rain. His eyes, his most wonderful feature. She smiled and said "I've been doing great. You?'' Oops wrong answer. I'm falling apart inside  
  
****__What I really meant to say  
Is that I'm dying here inside  
  
How could I tell him that? Why couldn't I tell him the truth? But still I smiled. While inside I wished I could take it all back. I figure I would die of grief and sorrow before I die of disease and old age. I waited for his reply with hope. Hope that he'll say he's sorry. He never meant for it to turn out like this. It was spark of the moment rage. Oh, but that reply never came.  
  
He smiled and nodded "Me too''  
  
****__I miss you more each day  
There's not a night I haven't cried  
  
Her hope all fell away. Washed away by the rain that resembled her tears. She missed him so much. His eyes staring into hers. His whispered promises and I love you's. That means nothing now. Except painful reminders of what she lost. She missed his silky, touchable hair. God, she even missed his arrogant, cocky attitude. She lost it all with one sentence. He was no longer hers to claim. There wasn't a night since the breakup where she didn't cry herself to sleep. Where her pillow ended up soaked and her hair plastered to her face. And the stinging bellow her eyes that let you know there as red and puffy and irritated as their going to get.  
  
****__And baby here's the truth  
I'm still in love with you  
That's what I really meant to say  
  
I still love you. She wanted to tell him. Whisper it in his ears while running her hands through his hair. To caress his baby soft cheek while feeling his lips on hers. She wondered what he felt inside. Did he regret his actions? Did he want to take it back? Was he dying to let her know that he really loved her and all he wanted at that moment was to fell her arms around him? It was a comforting thought. But as she looked up into Draco's eyes she noticed that's exactly what it was, just a thought. Because he was making no movement to hug her and no sorrys were coming out of his perfect, kissable mouth. She realized that she would give anything for one more hug and kiss before she left. Because then she would never see him again.  
  
****__And as you walked away  
The echo of my words   
cut just like a knife  
Cut so deep it hurt  
  
Draco smiled "Just came to see how you were doing. Glad your doing good" He turned around and started walking away.  
  
'I've been doing great. You?' It all seemed so surreal. Did those words really leave my mouth? I wanted to change them. Then and there. I wanted to confess undying love. She laughed. He would probably stare at her and blow her off. Saying he already found a new girlfriend. And then question her. Do you think a Malfoy could stay single for a week? No, I suppose not. I smiled ruefully at where my thoughts were going. It hurt. Oh, yes it hurt.  
  
****__I held back the tears  
Held on to my pride and watched you go  
I wonder if you'll ever know_

  
Hermione bit her bottom lip, trying to keep the tears that where welling up in her eyes back. And to keep from yelling that she loved him so much it hurt. Pride was a horrible thing and she had so much it was boiling over. She was going to miss him horribly and any woman who becomes his wife is going to be the luckiest woman ever. Oh, come off it Hermione. You'll find love again. She kept telling herself but then the other side of her brain would kick in. Not like him. He is unique. None other like him. She frowned. I wonder if you'll ever know about the love I still feel for you.  
  
**_What I really meant to say  
Is I'm dying here inside  
I miss you more each day  
  
Hermione stared out the window of Hogwarts express. This is the last time I will be on this train. The last time staring at this landscape. The last time smelling this particular smell that seems to fill this train. My last time sitting across from Harry and Ron. The two best friends anybody could ask for. And I'm going to miss them. But I really wish for the last time on this train Draco would have sat by me. So I could stare into his eyes for the last time. I sighed. But I couldn't get that wish. Because I screwed up. I told him I was doing fine. I lied. My heart was breaking and piece by piece it hit the floor in quiet remembrance. I wish I told you what I felt inside.  
_****_  
There's not a night I haven't cried  
And baby here's the truth   
  
I remember sitting up till midnight crying. Finally to tired to sob. The words I love you Draco wondering through my mind. If you would of asked me on my first year who I would end up with by the end of school. Your name would not even have come to mind. Oh, but now I wouldn't have it any other way. It's happened and it's over. We're over. Though I still love you.  
  
_****_I'm still in love with you  
That's what I really meant to say  
  
I climb off the train. Walking down the steps for the last time. I look around in hope of spotting you. Why because I love you, because I'm going to miss you dreadfully. But no such luck. Your blond hair is no where to be seen. I smile all the same. Putting on the fake image for friends. While inside I'm being tore up. My friends congratulate me, parents hug me, and you are nowhere. I frown. 'You never lose by loving, you always lose by holding back' One of my moms favorite quotes. Does she realize how true it is or was dad her first sweetheart. I don't know. What I do know is that somewhere deep in my heart I'll always have a special place for him.  
  
_**

**_What I really meant to say  
Is that I'm not that strong  
No matter how hard I try  
  
I smile, fake, false, pseudo. It's all wrong. Will I live a life thats nothing but a lie. I'm not that strong. I would give up. Quite living. Nothing is worth the pain. Not even life. Or is it? Am I just drowning in the after breakup sorrow. My head went under a long time ago. I guess I should suck it up and move on with my life. Fate has written me a different course not the one I would prefer. Or do they all lead to you. Will I eventually end up in your embrace? Hopefully. But no matter how hard I try to convince myself I wonder still the same. Do I have another path I have to walk? One that doesn't have you at the end.  
  
_****_I'm still holding on  
And here's the honest truth_**

**_I'm still in love with you  
  
Five years after graduation, still no sign of Draco. I smile I'm over the heart break but deep inside I know I'm still in love with him. I will never be over that. To be quite honest I'm still hoping he will show up on my front door. I know what you're thinking yes I've been married. Have a child and been through a divorce. Marriage didn't go right.  
I picked up my two year old, placing him in the car seat. Aubrey has black hair like his dad and brown eyes. I get in the front seat, driving to London. We're going to Diagion Alley today.  
  
Sooner or later, we're there. I take Aubrey out of the back. And we go into The Leaky Cauldron. Tapping on the bricks I wait for them to open.   
  
As soon as we get in Aubrey begs to go to the pet store. So we do and the sight at the counter makes my breath catch in my throat. There is Draco. Holding hands with a...Two year old girl. I smile.  
  
Walking up to him he turns around. Moment of nothing. Then he smiles. Honest to God, I'm still in love with you.  
  
_****_That's what I really meant to say_**


	2. Help

  


  


  


I have been wanting to update this story for the longest time. For the past few weeks I have been trying to find a song that might go with a second chapter. If anybody has any ideas I would greatly appreciate them. 

  


~Midnight 


	3. For all those times

  


  


  


**"Never shall I forget the days I spent with you. Continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours." ~ Anonymous **

  


**"Sometimes the one you fall in love with is the one you least expect." ~Anonymous**

  


  


  


"It's been quite a long time, Hermione." Draco looked at me from across the table. He had invited me over for a cup of tea. I had been unsure for a moment and questioned if his wife would mind. His reply was that she had passed away two years ago. I was sorry for him. 

  


"Yes, it has." I glanced from him to the two kids playing together on the floor in the living room. "I see you have inherited the Manor."

  


"With Voldemort gone, my dad in Azkaban, I claimed the manor." He nodded. His eyes like pools of silver as they scanned my face. "How are you doing?" 

  


"Fine." I replied. 

  


"How did Junior here come along? He's not Potter's kid is he." 

  


I laughed. "No, after I got out of Hogwarts, I met this Wizard at this coffee shop. Weird place to meet I know. I had sat at his table, because from behind he resembled a friend I was meeting. He had looked at me like I was out of my mind as I apologized over and over. He had told me it was okay. I guess something about this stranger captivated me, because about two months after that him and I were married." 

  


"I never pictured you as the person to do something out of the blue like that." 

"Yea, I guess it was kind of a impulse thing. Well, it didn't work out either. I'd say nine months after I married him. He left me and mailed the divorce papers. By then, I had been pregnant with him." I pointed to Aubrey. "So what about you." 

  


"Oh, after I got out of Hogwarts. I started working as a Detective until I could get my law liscense, which I am still working on getting."

  


"Why didn't you just take a wizarding job?" 

  


"I just didn't want one. I know that sounds wired. Me, Draco Malfoy, getting a muggle job, But I enjoy it. Anyway, one day this woman walked in. She had long pale blonde hair kind of like the faint glimmer of stars at night. Her eyes were icy blue. She walked with confidence and power. She lower herself into the seat in front of me and I saw her eyes full of pain and sorrow." 

  


"Draco." I interrupted. "Not so poetic please."

  


"Sorry, got caught up in the memory. Well she told me that she might have some information I might want on a case. I took her to a restaurant and we talked over lunch. We ended up dated and marrying. After about a year. Then she became pregnant. She died after giving birth to Dawn." 

  


Hermione nodded. "I see we've both had trouble with relationships." 

  


Draco smiled. "Maybe it's fate's way of telling us we were with the wrong person." 

  


I looked him in the eyes at that. 

  


"I haven't forgot you Hermione. I know I was the one to break up with you, but damn you were so frustrating." 

  


I smiled. "I missed you so much." I felt my face go confused. That was not what I had meant to say. 

  


"What not sure if you're telling the truth?" 

  


"No, I've thought about you a lot recently and over the years." I glanced back over at Aubrey and Dawn. i heard Draco scoot his chair out. I looked back at him. He was standing, and heading into the living room where the kids played on the floor. 

  


I stood following him. He lowered himself by the couch only to have dawn jump onto his lap. 

  


He gasped as she landed on his stomach, knocking the wind out of him. "What are you doing?" He questioned her. 

  


Her voice was sweet and just as a child's should be, full of laughter and suinshine. "Me and Aubrey have been playing." Every word was well defined for such a young age.

  


"What have you been playing?" He questioned and I was beginning to think being a father had softened him just a little bit. 

  


"We were playing animals. He was a wolf and I was a unicorn." She smiled proudly. 

  


Draco kissed her cheek. He pulled out his wand and lit the fire. Dawn curled up next to him, under his arm. I lowered myself beside him, so happy I had found him again. Even if we were just friends for the rest of our life. 

  


Aubrey walked over to me sitting down beside me. "Mommy, are we staying the night here tonight?" He whispered as if afraid to be heard. 

  


"I don't think so." 

  


I stared into the fire, the light flickering from its flames. The smoke as it rose from the fire curling like a serpent reminding me so much of the Slytherin crest. The air smelled of smoke and distant dreams reawakening. 

  


I leaned my head back onto the couch and the faint sound of Draco's fountain outside his window lulled me to sleep, sometime between conciousness and unconsiousness I felt my head fall onto Draco's shoulder and hia arms wrap around my shoulder.

  


  


***

  


  


  


That morning I found myself in a unfamliar bed, with Aubrey curled beside me. The night came back in a rush of memories. I walked down the stairs the faint smell of pancakes wafted through the house. 

  


I staggered into the Kitchen to see Dawn sitting at the table calmly and Draco standing at the stove. "What time do you wake up around here?" 

  


"Around six." He replied without turning around. 

  


"I figured you would do tha with magic or house elves." 

  


"You got me of house elves and Elizabeth got me off magic." 

  


I lowered my self into the chair, just as Aubrey walked through the Kitchen door. "We'll hey buddy." I smiled at him. "I figured you'd sleep a few more hours."

  


He shook his head and sat down beside me at the table. 

  


Draco served me and him two pancakes each, while the kids got one. 

  


We all ate in silence. "I think we'll go home today, Draco." 

  


He nodded. "Are you sure?" 

  


"I'm positive, but we could met again." 

  


"Okay, just give me a call. Whenever you want to go out." 

  


I had waited for Aubrey to finish his pancakes and then we drove home. 

  


  


  


***

  


  


  


After that, Draco and I began dating. It was like we were seventeen again, but with Children. Two years seemed to fly by. 

  


"Mom," A four year old Aubrey walked into my room. "Yes?" 

  


"The babysitters here and Draco says to hurry up or you'll miss your time." 

  


I nodded, putting on the last bit of my make-up. I ran sown th stairs just behind Aubrey. I had on a black gown, tight on top unti; my knees where it flares out. I had my hair done up in a french twist. 

  


Draco grabbed my hand, "You look lovely." and we apparated to the restruant. 

  


I sat acroos from him, the candlelight accenting his features. His smoky gray eyes looking into mine. 

  


"Hermione, I love you." 

  


"I love you too, Draco." I smiled. 

  


He pulled out a tiny velvet box and I gasped. "I want you to marry me. Will you."

  


I laughed and felt a tear escape my left eye. "Of course." He slippd the ring on my finger. I stared into the dimond, just as a song came on. It was our song...

  


  


  


_"For all those times you stood by me,_

_For all the truth that you made me see, _

_For all the joy you brought to my life, _

_For all the wrong you made right,_

_For every dream you made come true,_

_For all the love I found in you."_

  


  


  


__Draco reached for my hand pulling me to my feet and we danced to the song. My head slowly resting against his shoulder and his arm around my waist. I was so glad I found him again. 


End file.
